It is 12pm and I don't have nothing to do. Well that really ain't new cause I never have nothing to do. Sometimes I get pretty bored with just the computer, tv and radio. But that is the story of my life at the moment. My g/f works monday-thursday but she does come home from work for lunch. I try not to argue with her but sometimes I will ask a question that I really shouldn't ask and she will get mad. Why the hell do I do that. Is it true that us borderlines sabotage good things in our lives. Maybe we are not happy until we are miserable. The other day was the first time since december that I wanted to burn myself. But I mustered up enough energy not to, but boy was it hard. Here lately when I am here by myself and I go outside to smoke it takes all I got not to burn. Are the voices I keep  hearing real? They seem real and it is all the time, conversations going on in my head from voices I do not recognize. I could have swore that was what the Haldol was for. Guess not. Maybe it is because I spend so much time alone. I can hear them clearly, a child's voice, a woman's voice and a man's voice. The child is always crying and the woman's voice is telling the child to hush all that noise. The man's voice talks really bad, kinda like he is drunk but he beats me up with his words and the woman's voice is always saying I am wrong. What did I do wrong? Hell I don't ever do nothing but clean house and either fiddle on computer, watch tv listen to music or read. How do I go wrong with that? I want these people to leave. leave my head, leave my house, leave my life. Maybe one day that will happen cause to be honest with you they are driving me nuts. What happens if I go nuts and can't get back? back to reality and the living. That has always scared me because it has happened before. I was catatonic for almost 3 weeks. Never knew what was going on. They had told my g/f at the time that they did not know if I was gonna snap out of it. That is pretty scary by itself. to be around but to not exist. Living but at  the same time dead. Do you know what I mean? My life is a scary one and some people have said that I have been through alot. Maybe, maybe not. I guess it depends on who I am talking to. But it does scare me. I am scared to die even though alot of times I want to but at the same time I am scared of living.