It is 12pm and I don't have nothing to do. Well that really ain't new cause I never have nothing to do. Sometimes I get pretty bored with just the computer, tv and radio. But that is the story of my life at the moment. My g/f works monday-thursday but she does come home from work for lunch. I try not to argue with her but sometimes I will ask a question that I really shouldn't ask and she will get mad. Why the hell do I do that. Is it true that us borderlines sabotage good things in our lives. Maybe we are not happy until we are miserable. The other day was the first time since december that I wanted to burn myself. But I mustered up enough energy not to, but boy was it hard. Here lately when I am here by myself and I go outside to smoke it takes all I got not to burn. Are the voices I keep  hearing real? They seem real and it is all the time, conversations going on in my head from voices I do not recognize. I could have swore that was what the Haldol was for. Guess not. Maybe it is because I spend so much time alone. I can hear them clearly, a child's voice, a woman's voice and a man's voice. The child is always crying and the woman's voice is telling the child to hush all that noise. The man's voice talks really bad, kinda like he is drunk but he beats me up with his words and the woman's voice is always saying I am wrong. What did I do wrong? Hell I don't ever do nothing but clean house and either fiddle on computer, watch tv listen to music or read. How do I go wrong with that? I want these people to leave. leave my head, leave my house, leave my life. Maybe one day that will happen cause to be honest with you they are driving me nuts. What happens if I go nuts and can't get back? back to reality and the living. That has always scared me because it has happened before. I was catatonic for almost 3 weeks. Never knew what was going on. They had told my g/f at the time that they did not know if I was gonna snap out of it. That is pretty scary by itself. to be around but to not exist. Living but at  the same time dead. Do you know what I mean? My life is a scary one and some people have said that I have been through alot. Maybe, maybe not. I guess it depends on who I am talking to. But it does scare me. I am scared to die even though alot of times I want to but at the same time I am scared of living.

As I sit here, I wonder what my life consist of  besides pain. The few relationships I have had ended up with people that was actually worse than me. One I was in I told her I was leaving and the next thing I know I had to take her to the hospital because she cut herself real bad. I did stay a little longer and we got into a cat fight. When she turned her back to me I picked up a chair and busted it over her head. She turned around and looked at me as if I was cray. That chair did not do anything to her except make her even more angrier. I knew I was gonna get it so I hauled ass !! Now I can usually take something that is scary and not be scared, but this time I was scared to death. When I took off I never looked back. M ex husband and the 3 other people I have been with have treated me like shit. Do I seriously deserve that? Maybe I do. Maybe those were the only people that were attracted to me. People say my mother abused me but to be honest I don't think so. I deserved everything she dished out. I stole from her, sent to YDC. ran away sent to YDC. and there was the last time in YDC where my mother swore I had took $20 from her and I kept telling her I didn't do it. She then hooked her fingers into my front pockets and snatched me up and kinda pushed me against the wall. I started screaming and my brother who had been hammering something down stairs came up to where we were and told her to pick on somebody her own size.when she turned on him he raised the hammer. She got real scared and ran to her room and called the police. Fuck back in YDC. I think that is when I realized that I needed structure in my life. My life became a chaotic horror film. But when I was locked away in a hospital I felt so much better....Weird ain't it. The last time I was in the hospital was in october. I have a WONDERFUL girlfriend who has helped me get on a schedule. Us borderlines need a schedule and structure in our lives. Now don't get me wrong I am not "cured" because for one you cannot cure BPD but I believe it can go into remimission and that is where I am today. All the scary stuff for right now is not bothering me. I still have thoughts in my head but now I am able to control them. Maybe everyone with BPD can at least go into remision .

Relationships

Ok I am gonna speak of my different relationships.....I was married in 1988. My husband was lazy and would not work. When I married him Nicolas was 9 months old. I learned to hate him real quick because he started beating me. I didn't tell no one. In 1989 I divorced him. Thank God !! My first girlfriend I had was when I was 21. I ended up in the hospital and that is where I met her. This also turned into hell. We both went to truck driving school and finally broke up because we were hired with different companys. During the school for driving a big rig, my sister and her girlfriend was in the works of getting custody of my son. He was 3 at the time. So we went to court and it turned out that my mother got custody of him. When she did I prayed she treated him better than us. The stress put me back in the hospital where I met my next girlfriend. Boy was that a match made in hell. I got put in the hospital and met this girl so when my g/f came to see me this other girl said she might as well leave cause I didn't want to be with her nomore. So then we hooked up. We were together for awile but I left to go back to the previous g/f doing crack. Then one day I found out I was pregnate. I called the other girl and told her I wanted to come home that I was pregnate. We were together for 12 years. basically a no benefits relationship if you get my drift. She ended up on so much meds she could not stay awake and was burning ciggarette burns on the floor. I finally left her but because I wanted to do better. Get better. I needed to be around people who didn't beat me or talk down on me. Then I met my current g/f. She is the best. We have been together for 3 years come July 4th. She  has been through alot with me but she has stuck it out which makes me love her that much more. And I appreciate her to for being there for me when I needed her the most.

The end of sanity.

All my adult life I have ben so very angry alot of times. I have hurt a few people for my outbursts,and cause of that I no longer had anybody. I knew something was wrong with me from a very early age. I guess about 5 years old. Hot diggity the first day of school!! I just knew I was gonna love it. NOT!! From the very first day of school til 11th grade I was picked on. I have a twin brother and  sister who is 11 months older than me. They used to get hurt or angry about what I said or did. I was never good at school. I was the ugly duckling. I never got invited to parties nor both proms. My mom had something to do with that too. I knew if I ever got invited she would not let me go, which it didn't matter cause I was never asked. At 19 I got pregnate. I had a son that I named Nicolas Wade. When he was three the state took him from me and gave my mother custody. I had hoped she didn't treat him like she did me. She had me and my brother sent to YDC on three different occasions. When I turned 17 I hauled ass from my mother as quick as I could go. She has since apologized for the type of mother she was. I started smoking pot and I loved the way it made me feel. It calmed my nerves down. but then after some time I started smoking crack and meth. The only way I could pay for it was to sleep with LOTS of guys. I guess that is why I am a lesbian now. I, personally cannot stand a man. I have been raped three or four times by them. And I couldn't go to the police cause then they would know I was on all these drugs. I had no escape route so I started cutting myself. Not really that deep to need stiches except the two times I cut my wrist. You can really see the scars. Nobody understood why I would do such  a thing. My answer was....it makes me feel better....euphoric is a better word.  When I cut it was like a weight was lifted off with each cut. At the age of 30 I had another son. I named him Jeremiah Marquis. He is half Mexican. Don't know who was the father. I did my first son and when I told the guy I was pregnate he hauled ass outa town. Screw him !! Well when Jeremy was two the state took him too. The one thing that bothered me the worst was I had done everything they told me to do and it didn't do no good. Jeremy has been adopted by his foster mother. She hates me but oh well. Both my sons are my friends on facebook but neither talk to me. I feel like they hate me and I don't blame them. I had done the best I could. But I don't care what people  say.....your past is gonna bite you in the ass one day. I know because it has happened to me several times.

Introduction

My name is Peggy and I am 43 years old. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have suffered through this for the past 24 years. I have been through alot in those 24 years. From beatings to drugs to prostitution to now where I am as of today. All those tie in to both diagnosis. I have tried to kill myself, hmmm, about 20 times, a few times coming real close to deaths door. By that I mean the doctors had to defib me a few times. I have been in mental hospitals well over 100 times in those 24 years. All of them in a state run hospital. I  am a very shy person but while I was in the hospital I would make a couple friends and beat the hell out the rest. My ass was getting to look like a pin cushion from all the shots they were giving me.I have had shock therapy 6 series in all 9 times for each series. So for 3 days a week for 3 weeks I actually felt fine but it never lasted more than a couple days. They even had me committed for 9 months. To me, personally, If you stay a length of time you get so used to the daily structured institute you get to where you can not function when you get out. You get to thinking "I need the structure, I can't deal with it out here in this cruel ass world. My arms and legs are covered in burn scars where I burned myself with a cigarrette. I don't really think about the scars until someone asked me what happened. Then I feel  awkward and just tell them I had an accident. Self Harming has always been a big thing for me. I cut, burn or scratch sores on me and I don't even have fingernails. One hopital I was in they noticed I had scratched til I bled and one of the workers grabbed me and pushed me in a chair next to their desk and said "There is a way I can tell if she is a true self mutilator" She then got some alcohol pads and squezzed the alcohol out of them onto my sore I had made, then she took the pad and rubbed that sore with it. It burned like hell but felt so good. I did not flinch or cry out. I was actually enjoying it. She then said "yep she is a true self mutilator" and let me go. But they put me on line of sight. If you have ever been to a psychiatric hospital then you know what line of sight is. That is all for now so maybe a little more later on.