The end of sanity.

All my adult life I have ben so very angry alot of times. I have hurt a few people for my outbursts,and cause of that I no longer had anybody. I knew something was wrong with me from a very early age. I guess about 5 years old. Hot diggity the first day of school!! I just knew I was gonna love it. NOT!! From the very first day of school til 11th grade I was picked on. I have a twin brother and  sister who is 11 months older than me. They used to get hurt or angry about what I said or did. I was never good at school. I was the ugly duckling. I never got invited to parties nor both proms. My mom had something to do with that too. I knew if I ever got invited she would not let me go, which it didn't matter cause I was never asked. At 19 I got pregnate. I had a son that I named Nicolas Wade. When he was three the state took him from me and gave my mother custody. I had hoped she didn't treat him like she did me. She had me and my brother sent to YDC on three different occasions. When I turned 17 I hauled ass from my mother as quick as I could go. She has since apologized for the type of mother she was. I started smoking pot and I loved the way it made me feel. It calmed my nerves down. but then after some time I started smoking crack and meth. The only way I could pay for it was to sleep with LOTS of guys. I guess that is why I am a lesbian now. I, personally cannot stand a man. I have been raped three or four times by them. And I couldn't go to the police cause then they would know I was on all these drugs. I had no escape route so I started cutting myself. Not really that deep to need stiches except the two times I cut my wrist. You can really see the scars. Nobody understood why I would do such  a thing. My answer was....it makes me feel better....euphoric is a better word.  When I cut it was like a weight was lifted off with each cut. At the age of 30 I had another son. I named him Jeremiah Marquis. He is half Mexican. Don't know who was the father. I did my first son and when I told the guy I was pregnate he hauled ass outa town. Screw him !! Well when Jeremy was two the state took him too. The one thing that bothered me the worst was I had done everything they told me to do and it didn't do no good. Jeremy has been adopted by his foster mother. She hates me but oh well. Both my sons are my friends on facebook but neither talk to me. I feel like they hate me and I don't blame them. I had done the best I could. But I don't care what people  say.....your past is gonna bite you in the ass one day. I know because it has happened to me several times.