Introduction

My name is Peggy and I am 43 years old. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have suffered through this for the past 24 years. I have been through alot in those 24 years. From beatings to drugs to prostitution to now where I am as of today. All those tie in to both diagnosis. I have tried to kill myself, hmmm, about 20 times, a few times coming real close to deaths door. By that I mean the doctors had to defib me a few times. I have been in mental hospitals well over 100 times in those 24 years. All of them in a state run hospital. I  am a very shy person but while I was in the hospital I would make a couple friends and beat the hell out the rest. My ass was getting to look like a pin cushion from all the shots they were giving me.I have had shock therapy 6 series in all 9 times for each series. So for 3 days a week for 3 weeks I actually felt fine but it never lasted more than a couple days. They even had me committed for 9 months. To me, personally, If you stay a length of time you get so used to the daily structured institute you get to where you can not function when you get out. You get to thinking "I need the structure, I can't deal with it out here in this cruel ass world. My arms and legs are covered in burn scars where I burned myself with a cigarrette. I don't really think about the scars until someone asked me what happened. Then I feel  awkward and just tell them I had an accident. Self Harming has always been a big thing for me. I cut, burn or scratch sores on me and I don't even have fingernails. One hopital I was in they noticed I had scratched til I bled and one of the workers grabbed me and pushed me in a chair next to their desk and said "There is a way I can tell if she is a true self mutilator" She then got some alcohol pads and squezzed the alcohol out of them onto my sore I had made, then she took the pad and rubbed that sore with it. It burned like hell but felt so good. I did not flinch or cry out. I was actually enjoying it. She then said "yep she is a true self mutilator" and let me go. But they put me on line of sight. If you have ever been to a psychiatric hospital then you know what line of sight is. That is all for now so maybe a little more later on.