As I sit here, I wonder what my life consist of  besides pain. The few relationships I have had ended up with people that was actually worse than me. One I was in I told her I was leaving and the next thing I know I had to take her to the hospital because she cut herself real bad. I did stay a little longer and we got into a cat fight. When she turned her back to me I picked up a chair and busted it over her head. She turned around and looked at me as if I was cray. That chair did not do anything to her except make her even more angrier. I knew I was gonna get it so I hauled ass !! Now I can usually take something that is scary and not be scared, but this time I was scared to death. When I took off I never looked back. M ex husband and the 3 other people I have been with have treated me like shit. Do I seriously deserve that? Maybe I do. Maybe those were the only people that were attracted to me. People say my mother abused me but to be honest I don't think so. I deserved everything she dished out. I stole from her, sent to YDC. ran away sent to YDC. and there was the last time in YDC where my mother swore I had took $20 from her and I kept telling her I didn't do it. She then hooked her fingers into my front pockets and snatched me up and kinda pushed me against the wall. I started screaming and my brother who had been hammering something down stairs came up to where we were and told her to pick on somebody her own size.when she turned on him he raised the hammer. She got real scared and ran to her room and called the police. Fuck back in YDC. I think that is when I realized that I needed structure in my life. My life became a chaotic horror film. But when I was locked away in a hospital I felt so much better....Weird ain't it. The last time I was in the hospital was in october. I have a WONDERFUL girlfriend who has helped me get on a schedule. Us borderlines need a schedule and structure in our lives. Now don't get me wrong I am not "cured" because for one you cannot cure BPD but I believe it can go into remimission and that is where I am today. All the scary stuff for right now is not bothering me. I still have thoughts in my head but now I am able to control them. Maybe everyone with BPD can at least go into remision .